The Real Threat to Marriage

The religious conservatives have it wrong … again. Gay marriage will not destroy the institute of marriage. How can people who want to get married end marriage? In fact, gay men and women who crave marriage are the distraction, the front, the “beard” if you will for the real secret, pervasive threat to the Institute of Marriage … childless, single, joyous, happy and free women who just can’t get worked up about getting married and who do not want children. And our numbers are growing. Nearly half of the population is single and 61 percent of them have never married.

I have been unmarried all my life (60 years) despite being attractive, bright, talented and accomplished. I’ve had a few men hover around aiming at my ever moving target, and I’ve had a few men who were too fast on their feet to fall over my extended foot. I had one man hint around about marriage, and the only response I could give him was “Think, man, THINK!”

I remember an incident in my childhood that might provide a clue to my spinster trajectory. When I was about 7, a local playground provided summer activities. Unfortunately it was a rather dismal playground, offering minimal shade while we participated in the usual pipe-cleaner, stick-figure projects or popsicle and glue creations designed to keep us out of mom’s hair for a few hours. 

One day a counselor decided to shake things up. She sat us down, boys and girls, and told us we were going to have a wedding day. There would be cake, ice cream and balloons! Sounded great until she dropped the bomb and told us we would be paired up to marry each other. 

I listened in anxious confusion as she explained how we would dress up in our Sunday best and go through a little wedding ceremony. “C’mon! It will be fun!” Inside every little kid brain is the adult they are going to become, quietly observing and occasionally commenting. My thought?  “This is the worst game ever.” Yet I went along to get along and came to the appointed day looking fetching in a new white party dress. My mom had fun putting the veil together and wished me well as she dropped me off and watched me trudge toward the other kids dotting the playground in white dresses and black suits. I was paired up with a poor young lad who looked quite serious about the whole thing as we took our place in the marriage line with the others. I have little memory of what happened next, other than my betrothed and I standing stiffly next to each other avoiding eye contact. I suspect he was wondering if this meant we were really getting married and how the hell was he going to support me and the kids.

That day, 53 years ago, was the closest I ever came to a wedding dress or wedding day. I remember in my 30s standing next to a girlfriend as we waited for the light to turn green. She suddenly gasped out loud and exclaimed, “Oh NO!” Startled, I turned and asked, “What!?” In all seriousness she said, “I forgot to get married!! DARN I knew I forgot something!” We both broke up laughing as the light turned green, and we proceeded on our merry, unmarried way. 
I am not against marriage. I know some wonderful unions where two people have lasted and are so well suited one couldn’t imagine them with anyone else. In some cases one couldn’t imagine anyone else putting up with either of them. I have also seen disastrous unions and placed bets at the wedding as to the number of years or even months it would last. I’ve seen wonderful unions that ended with the untimely death of the partner. I like the stories of “We knew we were right, right from the start” and they were right. 

Yet this “right for each other” never came my way. And if it did, I apparently didn’t notice. But contrary to what married folks want to believe, lack of children or husband has many rewards for an adventurous woman. Freedom is not just another word for nothing left to lose. I have had the enormous great fortune to have been able to pursue everything I’ve ever wanted to do and become the most full version of myself, something I hear gets lost for many women in the middle of endless husband and child demands. I do know that a family can have its rewards: Who can deny the benefits of protection, affection, support? But so many are a hotbed of tangled resentments, unspoken fears and complicated intrigues one can’t deny that single isn’t better or worse than being married: It’s just different. Actually for some of us it seems to work exceedingly well. The secret is out.



For Speaking engagements: Contact: Catherine McCartney @ 647.856.6280